trying...

It's 5am in the morning and my apartment is once again leaking. I say leaking because my tiny apartment is under a bathroom that the tenants upstairs don't give a shit about and let the water leak down from the ceiling. Now I pointed out this event yesterday or it might have been Monday. I am not entirely sure because I work at night and my perception of time is a bit off. That AND I HAVE ONLY SLEPT FOR 4 HOURS before this shit started.

I am lucky I suppose because the plastic pans I have are holding the water well enough. I tried going back to bed but I suppose the stress and over thinking I tend to do is just keeping me up. Oh and it's my girlfriends Birthday but yea...she's sleeping.

In my head I keep thinking to myself maybe this is just one of those situations that a guy like me deserves to be in. I work a 40 hour a week job at a local gas station that really doesn't pay much but does pride itself on paying more than most places. So I guess I am lucky in that respect? I am sure your thinking "Why not get a better job?" Well most of my skills are related to those of a computer Repair specialist but of course because that field is rather hard to jump into I can't do it. Ok..ok.. So back in 2007 when I returned back to New York I did try to get a job in the field again. I went down to the Manhatten NY1 Job Center with my very neat very nice Resume..."dressed for success". Showed the job seekers my skill set and of course was told "We Will CALL YOU"...still waiting on that call...

I was in debit at the time...wait...I still am in debit from a relationship that went south. However I keep up with my 245 dollar debit expense. That's right every month I pay Capital One, American Express, Best buy, and Amazon in total 245 dollars to get out of about 7000 dollars worth of debit. I have gotten close to paying it off last year..however due to well...Life... that debit continues to follow me. Tho I am not bitching really... again.. I can do it.. I can pay for that the cable bill, the rent of 600 dollars, the food expenses, cat and dog. I do my best to keep up with everything! I am 100% independent and really I KNOW IT COULD BE WORSE...but something of course is making me think about how this is really all my own fault.

I made mistakes and of course I am not the type of person who would ever say "Not my fault I won't pay for it"..that isn't me. However I do have to question for how much longer do I or Should I CONTINUE to work this battle. I am sure your also thinking... "why not go back to School?" Believe it or not I have attempted to do just that a few times. For whatever the reason every time I try to get into something like that.. my luck runs dry in that either "thinks about the past" paper work, money, or something stupid like that seems to always get in the way. Also keep in mind I live in the middle of no place with no drivers license. YES I HAVE GONE FOR IT..3 TIMES .. AND FAILED..

Perhaps it's just a matter of finding time to do it right? Well I am not making excuses.. I have time to write this crap so clearly I have time to get myself settled in all that shit right? I don't know..maybe it's the stress? Maybe when I find the motivation to do something all I can think to do is write, play video games "to keep my sanity, read comic books "also to keep my sanity", but those are such big wastes of time right?

I just recently started reading about .net...which is a programing language that I am trying to learn that to me is almost as hard as trying to learn chines! Yet... I am trying for it. Now don't get me wrong again I am not being Negative.. I am being real. Honestly I am not a sad person or depressed about any of it just the type of guy who looks around and sees assholes do a lot less than this and get more from it. Really I am not angry about that either just lost as to how it all happens? Some people say it's who you know that gets you to the places you go. Really I believe that.. Fate has a big foot on the path of getting any place and you just have to keep picking yourself up and moving.

After all it could be far worse.....